you're not what i asked for

i always liked to think that i had the power of mind control. 
that my mind had unbelievable and perfect control over all forms and functions of my body. 
i liked to think that my mind was the ultimate authority and that i would never feel, say, or do anything without it's permission. without my brain's seal of approval. 

but over time i've  come to realize that this perceived power would be better classified as a "fatal flaw". 
that this freakish gift of mental control is really just a paralyzing fear of weakness.  

for as long as i can remember,  my life has been propelled by the need to appear competent, capable, strong, and controlled. perfect isn't the word, but "perfectly able" is a good way to describe it. 
i have always been terrified of anyone being able to look at me and see any inability. any imperfection. 
i've always wanted to appear as if i have every piece of my life perfectly under control. not a hair or word or movement out of place. perfectly right.

then 7 years ago i got really sick. 
my body was out of control and there was nothing i could do about it. 
but i quickly realized that no one could see the struggle. all they could see was my reaction, so i  chose to take what little control i could find and turn a negative into a positive.
i just kept rolling along, wearing a face of calm and composure. 

i think the Lord was trying to teach me to let go, to be ok with not being ok, to be human. but i am stubborn. i refused to let this minor (read: "major") health inconvenience alter my image. 

yet, if you know the Lord, you know He is relentless in His pursuit of our sanctification. 
so He couldn't leave it there. He couldn't leave me at "good enough".  
if he left me there it would be like getting a mole removed when you already have stage 3 skin cancer.
pointless. 
you have to get rid of the disease. 
so instead of entertaining my selfish desires for image, vanity and deception, the Lord dug deeper into a gaping wound. 

He let me be pushed to my end. 

when the memory of my assault returned to me, a single refrain echoed in my mind for months on end. 
"I didn't ask for this" 
i couldn't comprehend that my life, my story, my heart were all forever altered by an action that i had no control over, no power in. i was marked by a moment of voicelessness. my life was changed in a moment where my weakness, my inability to protect myself, had been exploited and abused. 
my greatest fear had been proved and affirmed by the actions of one man, in one moment of unbelievable selfishness. 

i thought myself irreparably damaged and marked. 
my weakness was all at once on display, and i saw myself as nothing but a constant reminder of my own inability, weakness, imperfection.
and in this regard i felt nothing but crippling shame. 
i looked at myself and saw a person whom i did not recognize. i saw a broken down version of myself that i didn't ask for. i never aspired to be out of control emotionally. never dreamt of spending winter of 2013 numb to the world. i never imagined that anxiety and depression would become buzzwords which categorized a season of my life.   
i would cry out to the Lord in anger and confusion, wondering why He would allow me to experience something that targeted my most base fear and insecurity. 
i felt betrayed. forgotten. overlooked. abandoned. 

People say that time heals all wounds.
though i disagree with that sentiment nearly wholeheartedly , i do believe that time + Jesus creates a pretty fertile ground for healing and growth. 

i believe we have this expectation that God exists to protect us from any harm, that as long as we are trying to follow Him, then His Godly role in our lives is to save us from any situation that hurts or touches our fears. 
over the last five years i've come to realize that the opposite is true.
His grace, His strength, His kindness, His love, is found in the darkest of nights and the deepest of pits. 
I think He shows His love, His power, His grace by meeting us in the depths and proving to us over and over again that when we couldn't climb our way back to safety, He could throw us on His back and carry us back to the surface. 
even when i trusted Him the least, He still came to hold my hand and clean my wound. 
if you need evidence that God is good and restores what is lost and hurt and broken, then look no further. 
where i saw a story of immeasurable lacking and brokenness, i now see a banner marked "weakness" which flies proudly over the threshold of my heart. declaring that i am indeed, not enough. 
the truth is that an uncaring God would have left me. would have delighted in my weakness. the God i know did just the opposite of that, He chose me at my lowest.
and  i have never been more thankful to be "out of control". 

thousands of days have piled up between my past and my present. 
and as i look to the person that the Lord has refined me into, the person who stands before me in the mirror, i say, "you're not what i asked for..." 
"...you're better"